Matt Ritchie and I hung out last night!!!!
I’ve been in a weird mood all week since Sunday, January 31, 2010. It was the first time this year I went to church and the first time I have actually felt that God has something else in store for me besides pain and loneliness. K and I woke up, got the kids ready, and headed to church because Cameron had a choir presentation. Faith was supposed to sing, but she actually wanted to be next to me. I was telling K that I don’t care why or what, but I was just happy to be getting so much affection from my 5 year old. She was wrapped around my leg, let me make her plate, and wanted to sit on my lap at the Pot Luck after service. I also noticed something else; I have a voice. I was singing the hymns, but rather than just moving my lips to the words, I was actually singing them and liked what I heard (even if it was in my own head and the people around me were being tortured).
It was the first time in a long time that I had actually felt part of something like church. I’m not very religious and the most religious thing I had done with church is to religiously not go to church. Something changed though. I felt a calling. I felt that I am being directed by a higher power to do something else with my life. See, for the longest time I thought my life was basically over. I had lost my family, my career, my truck, my house, all my material possessions, and I was in a deep depression for the better half of two years. I had just kind of accepted the fact that I would end up at the beach, work, surf, go to school, and see my kids on the weekends. I had also accepted the fact that I would probably never find true love again and end up with just a string of failed relationships for the rest of my life. As it would seem, God had another life in store for me (See my first blog for the beginning of that story. Part II will come soon enough I just have to get this story out first).
I stood outside church getting the kids in the car to take them to their grand parents’ house and it struck me; God does want me to be happy or I wouldn’t have this stunning, tall, woman standing in front of me helping me get my kids in the car! That’s what it is! God does want me to be happy! He wants my life to be filled with love and support and a partnership that was better than the one I had lost (to good fortune). Life suddenly made since again for the first time. My faith suddenly made since again for the first time in over 2 years. Literally, I was once lost, but I had just been found. It went off like a tactical nuke in my brain and it suddenly all made sense again. Amazing how something just appears almost like out of thin air. It isn’t like I hadn’t thought about K as a blessing before. I just hadn’t thought about it in the context as I had right then and there; this is what God has in store for me!
Then came Monday! Now Monday’s for me aren’t really bad at all. I like my job and my work and I get paid pretty well for it so I don’t complain. Plus, I get to work with people I like and I get to take smoke breaks and see K because she works there as well in another department. It just so happens that this morning the only other guy who is a veteran with me wasn’t coming in and I got to wake up an hour early and get to work as soon as I could to open. That wasn’t that bad; we were busy and had back to back email, calls, and IMs all day, even that wasn’t that bad. What was bad was the counter counter-petition my ex wife had submitted. I know it was all general, but I have a fight on my hands and I didn’t really like what I heard. Long story short, she’s prideful and has this thought that she just deserves to be primary. This is something we disagree on. We did agree on a certain amount for child support as well as the times share for the kids. Before Christmas, she wanted to double the support and cut my time in half. So I went from an uncontested divorce to a contested divorce because she thought she deserved more and I deserved less. I don’t really care to go into any detail about that now, but that was a big stress on me. So I find myself trying to muster up enough faith to let it go and let God handle it. I knew I couldn’t by myself, but as a human I am flawed in that area. Even though I found out that some things in the financial part of the petition were flawed I couldn’t find myself calming down. I couldn’t let it go for anything and it was upsetting me. So I had sushi with K and her friend, came home, watched some TV trying to forget about it, played some video games, but nothing would allow me to take my mind off of my worry. So I went to bed…
Sleep came easy and I was drifting. I had my girl in the crook of my arm and I slipped into sleep…
I came to and I was in the Orange Park Mall of all places walking toward the food court and from nowhere came Matt Ritchie walking up to me. I swear, I thought he had died a year ago. He said he was only in jail in Cozumel for a year. I told him that I saw his body though. That we had his funeral and his ashes were spread over a fishing hole at his favorite spot at a Methodist camp ground near Lake Asbury. He just laughed and said it wasn’t true. All I could do was believe him because he was standing right next to me alive and fine. We just hung out from what I can remember of the dream. We spent some time just walking around the mall. We were chilling out in his car and were going to walk back to the mall when a thought came to me, “This is just a dream.”
My heart sank as I started to wake up a little, but something kept me in the dream. So I asked, “This is just a dream isn’t it, Matt?” He said, “Yeah, man it is. Sorry.” I found myself crying openly to him telling him how much I loved him. He said that he knew that I loved him. I told him that I never got to say good bye. So I did. I was able to tell my best friend good bye like I wanted to while he was still alive in the hospital. He turned to walk away and then stopped. He turned around and looked at me, and in true Matthew Ritchie fashion said, “Hey, man. Just know that the Big Guy has your back and everything that is going to happen is going to happen just the way it is supposed to happen.” Then he was gone and I was awake in bed with K.
It took me a while to realize that I was awake and that it was a dream. I got on my back and scooted up to where I start my nights to go to sleep. K rolled over and “assumed the position” with her head on my chest and my arm around her. I said, “I just had a dream about Matt Ritchie.” She’s heard enough about Matt to know who I was talking about. I told her what he told me in the dream and with wonder I just knew that it wasn’t just a dream, but that it was really Matt talking to me from the grave or from heaven where he is today fishing and playing softball and basketball with the angels and God. I can see God needing to get a message to me and matt raising his hand and asking if he could do it for Him. I can see Matt smiling as he entered my dream; the same smile he had when he walked up to me at the mall. I know that it was Matt and not just a dream. Finally, I had my faith back and I had something else that I would never have had; the chance to say good bye to my best and oldest friend.
I didn’t want Matt’s message of hope and faith to stop with me so I text everyone in my phone that knew and loved Matt. I put out on my status what dream I had and how I felt. I got feedback from people saying that they were having a hard time with their own faith and that had known Matt and it helped them. I had friends who had lost someone they loved be it a friend or sister text me back and share with me that they had also had a dream about that person and it made them feel good. As I did this and looked at my words on the computer I did something that I had needed to do for a long time; I openly wept and let go a little. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because it meant so much to me to be able to get that word from God through matt Ritchie and that I was finally able to say good bye. Not a day will go by on this planet that I won’t think about Matt Ritchie and I honestly hope that one doesn’t either.
I’ve been in a weird mood all week since Sunday, January 31, 2010. It was the first time this year I went to church and the first time I have actually felt that God has something else in store for me besides pain and loneliness. K and I woke up, got the kids ready, and headed to church because Cameron had a choir presentation. Faith was supposed to sing, but she actually wanted to be next to me. I was telling K that I don’t care why or what, but I was just happy to be getting so much affection from my 5 year old. She was wrapped around my leg, let me make her plate, and wanted to sit on my lap at the Pot Luck after service. I also noticed something else; I have a voice. I was singing the hymns, but rather than just moving my lips to the words, I was actually singing them and liked what I heard (even if it was in my own head and the people around me were being tortured).
It was the first time in a long time that I had actually felt part of something like church. I’m not very religious and the most religious thing I had done with church is to religiously not go to church. Something changed though. I felt a calling. I felt that I am being directed by a higher power to do something else with my life. See, for the longest time I thought my life was basically over. I had lost my family, my career, my truck, my house, all my material possessions, and I was in a deep depression for the better half of two years. I had just kind of accepted the fact that I would end up at the beach, work, surf, go to school, and see my kids on the weekends. I had also accepted the fact that I would probably never find true love again and end up with just a string of failed relationships for the rest of my life. As it would seem, God had another life in store for me (See my first blog for the beginning of that story. Part II will come soon enough I just have to get this story out first).
I stood outside church getting the kids in the car to take them to their grand parents’ house and it struck me; God does want me to be happy or I wouldn’t have this stunning, tall, woman standing in front of me helping me get my kids in the car! That’s what it is! God does want me to be happy! He wants my life to be filled with love and support and a partnership that was better than the one I had lost (to good fortune). Life suddenly made since again for the first time. My faith suddenly made since again for the first time in over 2 years. Literally, I was once lost, but I had just been found. It went off like a tactical nuke in my brain and it suddenly all made sense again. Amazing how something just appears almost like out of thin air. It isn’t like I hadn’t thought about K as a blessing before. I just hadn’t thought about it in the context as I had right then and there; this is what God has in store for me!
Then came Monday! Now Monday’s for me aren’t really bad at all. I like my job and my work and I get paid pretty well for it so I don’t complain. Plus, I get to work with people I like and I get to take smoke breaks and see K because she works there as well in another department. It just so happens that this morning the only other guy who is a veteran with me wasn’t coming in and I got to wake up an hour early and get to work as soon as I could to open. That wasn’t that bad; we were busy and had back to back email, calls, and IMs all day, even that wasn’t that bad. What was bad was the counter counter-petition my ex wife had submitted. I know it was all general, but I have a fight on my hands and I didn’t really like what I heard. Long story short, she’s prideful and has this thought that she just deserves to be primary. This is something we disagree on. We did agree on a certain amount for child support as well as the times share for the kids. Before Christmas, she wanted to double the support and cut my time in half. So I went from an uncontested divorce to a contested divorce because she thought she deserved more and I deserved less. I don’t really care to go into any detail about that now, but that was a big stress on me. So I find myself trying to muster up enough faith to let it go and let God handle it. I knew I couldn’t by myself, but as a human I am flawed in that area. Even though I found out that some things in the financial part of the petition were flawed I couldn’t find myself calming down. I couldn’t let it go for anything and it was upsetting me. So I had sushi with K and her friend, came home, watched some TV trying to forget about it, played some video games, but nothing would allow me to take my mind off of my worry. So I went to bed…
Sleep came easy and I was drifting. I had my girl in the crook of my arm and I slipped into sleep…
I came to and I was in the Orange Park Mall of all places walking toward the food court and from nowhere came Matt Ritchie walking up to me. I swear, I thought he had died a year ago. He said he was only in jail in Cozumel for a year. I told him that I saw his body though. That we had his funeral and his ashes were spread over a fishing hole at his favorite spot at a Methodist camp ground near Lake Asbury. He just laughed and said it wasn’t true. All I could do was believe him because he was standing right next to me alive and fine. We just hung out from what I can remember of the dream. We spent some time just walking around the mall. We were chilling out in his car and were going to walk back to the mall when a thought came to me, “This is just a dream.”
My heart sank as I started to wake up a little, but something kept me in the dream. So I asked, “This is just a dream isn’t it, Matt?” He said, “Yeah, man it is. Sorry.” I found myself crying openly to him telling him how much I loved him. He said that he knew that I loved him. I told him that I never got to say good bye. So I did. I was able to tell my best friend good bye like I wanted to while he was still alive in the hospital. He turned to walk away and then stopped. He turned around and looked at me, and in true Matthew Ritchie fashion said, “Hey, man. Just know that the Big Guy has your back and everything that is going to happen is going to happen just the way it is supposed to happen.” Then he was gone and I was awake in bed with K.
It took me a while to realize that I was awake and that it was a dream. I got on my back and scooted up to where I start my nights to go to sleep. K rolled over and “assumed the position” with her head on my chest and my arm around her. I said, “I just had a dream about Matt Ritchie.” She’s heard enough about Matt to know who I was talking about. I told her what he told me in the dream and with wonder I just knew that it wasn’t just a dream, but that it was really Matt talking to me from the grave or from heaven where he is today fishing and playing softball and basketball with the angels and God. I can see God needing to get a message to me and matt raising his hand and asking if he could do it for Him. I can see Matt smiling as he entered my dream; the same smile he had when he walked up to me at the mall. I know that it was Matt and not just a dream. Finally, I had my faith back and I had something else that I would never have had; the chance to say good bye to my best and oldest friend.
I didn’t want Matt’s message of hope and faith to stop with me so I text everyone in my phone that knew and loved Matt. I put out on my status what dream I had and how I felt. I got feedback from people saying that they were having a hard time with their own faith and that had known Matt and it helped them. I had friends who had lost someone they loved be it a friend or sister text me back and share with me that they had also had a dream about that person and it made them feel good. As I did this and looked at my words on the computer I did something that I had needed to do for a long time; I openly wept and let go a little. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because it meant so much to me to be able to get that word from God through matt Ritchie and that I was finally able to say good bye. Not a day will go by on this planet that I won’t think about Matt Ritchie and I honestly hope that one doesn’t either.
